I often get emails from wives and girlfriends who ask me if their husband's or boyfriend's assertion that he "doesn't know why" he cheated can really be true? Often the women in the situation will ask the husband or boyfriend what went wrong, what they did or didn't do, and why he would act this way. These questions don't seem all that confusing or difficult. The answers should be somewhat straightforward.
And yet, as more and more time goes by and the women continue to ask the same questions, they continue to get the same answers. The men will often cling to the "I don't know" theory and will insist that it's true and not meant to be deceptive. Of course, the wives and girlfriends typically don't' believe this for a second, even though sometimes they want to. I'll often get questions like "is it even remotely possible that he doesn't know why he cheated?" I'll answer this question in the following article.
Sometimes His Saying He Doesn't Know Why He Cheated Is An Attempt To Protect You: Many wives suspect this, of course. But often, he just doesn't want to get into the details because he knows that he will hurt you. And, he likely knows that you are likely to tightly cling to and analyze everything that he says to your own detriment because this is just human nature. He also likely knows that once he answers a few questions, this is only going to lead to more questions and so this will only prolong the pain and negative feelings, which if he can, he'd like to avoid. So his hope is that by keeping quiet, he can brush this under the rug as soon as he can.
Sometimes A Man Won't Tell You Why He Cheated Because He's Embarrassed Of The Reasons Why: The truth is, very often, men cheat because of insecurities and doubts within them. They are getting old. They are no longer as confident of their attractiveness and competence as they used to be. They are easily flattered by any female attention or offers. And, when they act on these insecurities and doubts and are then caught in this, it's quite embarrassing because it only brings more attention on the insecurities that they were trying to quiet with their actions and their cheating.
Sometimes, they have poor impulse control and this too, is embarrassing. In this instance, you'll often hear things like "I just don't know what I was thinking and I can't really explain it anymore than that. This can be infuriating. But, there is usually a grain of truth in this. They often weren't having long and detailed thoughts about this at the time and it's only later that they take the time to examine why this happened. Sometimes, the answers are just too embarrassing to share. Yes, this is silly and unfair. But, this is what they will tell you when they are trying to be as honest as they can without giving you so much information that you will want to dig further.
There Are Some Men Who Truly Don't Know (At Least Entirely) Why They Had An Affair: As frustrating as it can be, men are usually not as intuitive as women or as willing to examine their feelings and motives. Women can typically look at their own behavior and at least make an attempt to examine the reasons behind it. Men are much less likely to be willing or able to do this. They'd rather just ignore what is uncomfortable.
In the same way that they didn't think to themselves "I'm unhappy. I'm feeling vulnerable. I doubt myself. Let me work on this before I do something stupid," they are equally unlikely to then sit down and examine their actions. Because this requires them to break down the vulnerability that they were trying to escape before. And they've already shown themselves to be someone who is going to try to quiet and beat down their feelings.
Some people have to be taught and encouraged to do this self examination and then to share it. Often, it is not easy or intuitive as it might be for us. In no way am I trying to excuse his actions or his silly responses. Whether he realizes why he cheated or not, he is still completely responsible for the actions that he took.
Making Him Understand That Knowing Why This Happened Is Important: Sometimes, you're better off changing tactics. Because honestly, sometimes you can keep on harping and you are still going to get the same frustrating answers. So, it might be smart to consider stressing how important it is going to be moving forward for the both of you to try to explore what was wrong together so that you can prevent it from happening in the future.
In this way, you've made it a joint effort that makes it more likely for you to get what you want. And, it's also important to understand that, as much as you would like to, you can't read his mind or his feelings. And since you did not deal with your problems by cheating, you aren't likely to entirely understand someone else's mind set who took this path. But if you can stress that this is important for you in your healing and offer to talk this out to get an answer, you will often get a better result.
I know that dealing with his cheating, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
And yet, as more and more time goes by and the women continue to ask the same questions, they continue to get the same answers. The men will often cling to the "I don't know" theory and will insist that it's true and not meant to be deceptive. Of course, the wives and girlfriends typically don't' believe this for a second, even though sometimes they want to. I'll often get questions like "is it even remotely possible that he doesn't know why he cheated?" I'll answer this question in the following article.
Sometimes His Saying He Doesn't Know Why He Cheated Is An Attempt To Protect You: Many wives suspect this, of course. But often, he just doesn't want to get into the details because he knows that he will hurt you. And, he likely knows that you are likely to tightly cling to and analyze everything that he says to your own detriment because this is just human nature. He also likely knows that once he answers a few questions, this is only going to lead to more questions and so this will only prolong the pain and negative feelings, which if he can, he'd like to avoid. So his hope is that by keeping quiet, he can brush this under the rug as soon as he can.
Sometimes A Man Won't Tell You Why He Cheated Because He's Embarrassed Of The Reasons Why: The truth is, very often, men cheat because of insecurities and doubts within them. They are getting old. They are no longer as confident of their attractiveness and competence as they used to be. They are easily flattered by any female attention or offers. And, when they act on these insecurities and doubts and are then caught in this, it's quite embarrassing because it only brings more attention on the insecurities that they were trying to quiet with their actions and their cheating.
Sometimes, they have poor impulse control and this too, is embarrassing. In this instance, you'll often hear things like "I just don't know what I was thinking and I can't really explain it anymore than that. This can be infuriating. But, there is usually a grain of truth in this. They often weren't having long and detailed thoughts about this at the time and it's only later that they take the time to examine why this happened. Sometimes, the answers are just too embarrassing to share. Yes, this is silly and unfair. But, this is what they will tell you when they are trying to be as honest as they can without giving you so much information that you will want to dig further.
There Are Some Men Who Truly Don't Know (At Least Entirely) Why They Had An Affair: As frustrating as it can be, men are usually not as intuitive as women or as willing to examine their feelings and motives. Women can typically look at their own behavior and at least make an attempt to examine the reasons behind it. Men are much less likely to be willing or able to do this. They'd rather just ignore what is uncomfortable.
In the same way that they didn't think to themselves "I'm unhappy. I'm feeling vulnerable. I doubt myself. Let me work on this before I do something stupid," they are equally unlikely to then sit down and examine their actions. Because this requires them to break down the vulnerability that they were trying to escape before. And they've already shown themselves to be someone who is going to try to quiet and beat down their feelings.
Some people have to be taught and encouraged to do this self examination and then to share it. Often, it is not easy or intuitive as it might be for us. In no way am I trying to excuse his actions or his silly responses. Whether he realizes why he cheated or not, he is still completely responsible for the actions that he took.
Making Him Understand That Knowing Why This Happened Is Important: Sometimes, you're better off changing tactics. Because honestly, sometimes you can keep on harping and you are still going to get the same frustrating answers. So, it might be smart to consider stressing how important it is going to be moving forward for the both of you to try to explore what was wrong together so that you can prevent it from happening in the future.
In this way, you've made it a joint effort that makes it more likely for you to get what you want. And, it's also important to understand that, as much as you would like to, you can't read his mind or his feelings. And since you did not deal with your problems by cheating, you aren't likely to entirely understand someone else's mind set who took this path. But if you can stress that this is important for you in your healing and offer to talk this out to get an answer, you will often get a better result.
I know that dealing with his cheating, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
